The truth is I like to preach.
That’s a hard thing for me to admit. I almost choke on the words. Because the truth also is, I’m still hesitant and all “eeeerrrr” when it comes to the fact that I’m in seminary and seeking ordination. You know, like, to be a pastor.
*shakes head*
But after this week, of preaching in class last Monday, then preaching a different sermon in church on Sunday, followed by preaching that same slightly tweaked sermon in class again the next day, I’ve realized that I like to preach. (Although, that was a little exhausting.)
What’s worse is that I like watching the sermon form, come to life. At first it’s slightly painful to sit there reading some scripture and thinking, “okay, I’ve got about 2 mins worth of insight here,” but then slowly as I sit there with it longer, the sermon starts to take shape. A message forms – not a message of fire and brimstone – but one of love and grace. And nothing wishy-washy (I hope), but one that feels life-giving and maybe a little challenging. But even as it forms, there are many moments of “okay, the well has run dry,” and doubts as to whether I’ll actually pull it all together. My mind’s eye widens at the thought of going through that process every week in a church. It’s a little terrifying.
But while preaching this week, I’ve had to admit that I actually enjoy it. This may be God forming a little message for me, a sermon perhaps written just for my sake, like a prodding that maybe, just maybe, I’ll have to stop responding to seminary life and a career as a pastor (*shakes head*) with an “eeeerrrrrr,” a sound somewhere between a groan and a squeaky wheel.
I’m not entirely sure God isn’t saying, “Gotcha!” right about now.
All the same, I wonder when or if I will speak with such assured confidence that “I am in seminary to be a pastor,” and that I will even be happy saying it. I believe I am where I should be, but that doesn’t always feel very reassuring (read: it rarely does).
I may like to preach, but I’m not sure I’ll ever like to say that I’m a preacher.
Guess we’ll see.
an act of discovery 